cheej

Transition

2009-05-17T15:03:20Z

Hello to all my readers, however many (or few!) of you there might be.

As of today, I will cease posting on this Livejournal account. If you're still interested in following my admittedly infrequent musings, please point your browser to http://cheej.net/blog and update your links/bookmarks.

This Livejournal account will continue to be maintained for purposes of commenting on friends' journals and viewing of my Friends page.

Cheers!

New Routines

2009-03-30T01:15:34Z

I quite like this new routine of mine. Of waking up, taking a shower and taking a bus down to the kopitiam at Clementi for breakfast before hopping on the train to Gombak for my driving lesson.

It's really quite relaxing.

Curtain Call

2009-03-12T16:39:01Z

I lie enveloped in dark, cocooned in warmth, shrouded in softness. Sleep eludes me, that delicious unconsciousness that we all gratefully slip into at the end of the day. Rest slips from between my fingers even as prescriptions run through my veins, pushing cell after cell slowly toward slumber. Through some unknown force, the mind resists. With surprising resilience, it refuses the night. Refuses to let itself be wrapped like its physical shell.

I stare into the twilight and wonder what two years have done to me. The twilight stares back, challenging, asking of what I have achieved.

Rant.com

2009-02-10T10:02:23Z

I quite possibly have not been this ticked off in six months.

Is it too much to ask for earlier notifications of upcoming events? No, it is not enough to state that certain activities will be held on certain days. Subordinates are people too, or was that extremely important point not taught? Let us be realistic: no one is truly on call anytime, anywhere. None of us mind having to come back, barring some sort of early notice so that our affairs can be set in order. True, such time would be a luxury ill-afforded should the button be pressed. True, vigilance is a mainstay of the organisation that we belong to. But for crying out loud, use those words with some care for hypocrisy. As far as our organisation is concerned, we're hardly living in troubled times.

Is it too much to ask that plans be made a few days in advance? With details? I doubt that superiors are in a position where they're not in the know. You are planning, so for fuck's sake, plan and act accordingly to the demands of whatsoever event you're tasked with. Having your subordinates told that they have to stay-in at 5pm on the day itself is not an example of planning, not in any book. Subordinates are not automatons; sadly, most do not have the sense to understand something so simple. We do not like waiting for information to be dropped on our heads in such a manner. Neither should we constantly have to badger you for updates on the matter. If any measure of competance existed, it would be understood that the onus lies in the one higher-up to take the necessary actions to keep everything running smoothly.

This is what happens when leaders are chosen for qualities other than leadership and competance. This is what happens when superiors rise by virtue of systems other than meritocracy, as imperfect as such a system might be.

Thank god I'll be leaving soon.

Because I Feel Like It..

2009-01-14T02:43:08Z

A temporary lull appears amidst the typical daily routine, and I feel the urge to update. Of what or when, I do not know; perhaps the words will slither from the recesses of my mind, crawling out of the primordial ooze that is my Army-addled brain.

Started a project recently, a long kicked-around idea finally put into motion. Visit sing4harmony.blogspot.com for a taste of what's to come. I know some of you who read this space are in the community, so do contribute where possible.

Somewhat related would be singing for NJC CCA-Carnival on the 4th of February. Consider it my baby-steps back into a cappella after missing two-years of such singing. Quite excited about this, especially since I'll be singing with friends with whom I've not sung with since graduation all too long ago.

There're a few other things that I'm considering, given limited time and resources. First up is the writing blog mentioned a couple of entries ago. That's one project that'll most likely come into fruition, if for nothing else other than the need to get the gears in my head slowly oiled again. Tied to this is the need to finish reading my backlog of books - I still make purchases at a greater rate than reading, what with little time amidst all my other commitments. There's still a growing list of books I'd like to buy and read. Seems like I'll only have time for this after ORD; with some luck, I'll be able to find a job with freedoms like my previous one in 2007.

More frivolous would be wanting to create a new WoW character on a RP server. It seems like a more immersive, more creative experience of gameplay when compared to standard WoW. My current character is the closest I've ever come to hitting the level cap and delving into the end-game though, so this might become nothing more than a bit of tomfoolery on my part.

2008 in Retrospect.

2009-01-01T14:56:00Z

Time passes. Just like that, farewells are bid to 2008 and the new year is ushered in. The year ahead is an exciting one, especially with the upcoming transitory period between March and August. Tempting as it is to forget the past and speed ahead, one musn't forget the paths taken and the choices made prior, for we are shaped by events before in preparation for what lies ahead.

2008 has been truly remarkable - not many NSFs are able to pursue their interests outside their NS obligations. Yet, I've been fortunate enough to count myself amongst their number. I'm especially thankful for the most wonderful superior an NSF can hope to have, a job that has allowed me to pick up skills actually applicable in civilian life, and I've been lucky enough to travel to Taiwan with my unit; roving through a foreign land from a military perspective was an experience to remember. In other words, my NS circumstance in general has allowed me to preserve some measure of personal freedom, something I'm extremely thankful for.

It's thanks to this freedom that I was able to join NJChoir in Riva del Garda, Italy, in March this year, where I collected many happy memories (as with all NJChoir activities, with a tinge of nostalgia). New friends were made and old friendships, rekindled. Relationships tempered with the common aim of achieving a Gold in the competition, though with the passage of time who knows how things might have changed. Life is never picturesque, and the most striking illustration of this is probably the ever transient nature of our bonds with others.

I learnt much in this regard - one can never be sure how others view oneself. People see what they want to see; some are easily satisfied, never questioning further, others vie to vilify based on impressions not necessarily grounded in reality, while others seek only to explore and wander, more interested in how their queries are tackled than the queries themselves. I don't claim any moral high ground, acknowledging that I'm equally susceptible as the next man of such delusions. For a period, I was quite adversely affected, endlessly questioning myself as I struggled to reconcile others' hurtful impressions of me with my own conscience. Trying to understand how entire notions of myself were created without any input from me was arguably the most emotionally taxing effort of the entire year. My faith in people was shaken and grounded again, and I'd like to think I've grown stronger for that.

2008 was a year for introspection as well; with all the efforts mentioned before, plenty of time was spent looking within, comparing and contrasting my perceived self, expressed self and inner self. I considered their ever differing thoughts on matters, and wondered how others' opinions of me modified ever so slightly depending on which identity they interacted with. I was (and still am) curious to know how others viewed me as a person, wanting to explore the areas where people agreed and the qualities they were more divided on.

More important than anything else, I've been blessed this past year with love. From seeing (or so I thought) it in places unheeded to discovering it quietly kindling, and having it finally culminating six months ago - to the day - with a pact to take that step together and seeing where it led us. Despite the roller-coaster it's been, both for dear and I, I end 2008 happy and content, with love and hope for the future.

I don't stand alone with her though. Never have I believed in forsaking friends for love, and those who've bothered to know me deeper over the years can all attest to that. Here's to life, love and the year ahead!

Of Writing..

2008-12-13T11:47:07Z

It's curious how the majority of my posts in the past few months were written during off-shift times during guard duty. The old adage that writers (or any creative artists for that matter) require some impetus, some pressing emotion (or lack of, depending on the circumstance) in order to create their works seems to apply even to NSFs with nothing to do during duties.

One might notice that I hardly ever post when I'm not unhappy/moody/bored/random-negative-emotion. The odd, relatively positive post is usually short, concise and otherwise lacking in details. I usually end up expounding during my darker moods and posts, through issues that typically require more introspection and consideration. It appears that my 'better' writing emerges only when I'm emo and moody, rather than when I'm in better spirits. Makes me wonder if others go through this process too. Makes me wonder if Shakespeare was really a bloody tortured soul. Makes me applaud those who can decide to sit down and write something and actually produce a piece of work with emotional depth.

I've been considering setting up a writing blog, one where I go to for expositions (and sometimes narratives) on whatever strikes my fancy. Who knows, it might actually help me get my brain working again; the gears in this machine have become slightly rusty over the past two years.

Yet another post without any real updates. At any rate, what do you guys think?

Reinstatement

2008-12-12T03:18:20Z

Okay, Livejournal has been reinstated, even if only for the fact that I can post mobile updates here. Posts on the clandestine webspace have been copied and pasted, and there's almost no sign that I've been gone at all.

My space is my own, and I write what I will. Too often have I been worried about the opinions of others, too much I've cared about my image. Knowing me is more than just a one-sided interpretation of my words.

So, I'm back.

Interim

2008-12-12T03:03:11Z

So much for trying to update more often, it’s been over half a month since the last post.

I have the urge to write, but as usual there’s that niggling lack of coherence in my thought processes. I’ll have this as a filler post for now, just so I can tell myself that I’ve finally updated after what amounts to be a hiatus of sorts.

Perhaps a real post will follow when my muse comes a-knocking.

When the Skies Split Open

2008-12-12T03:02:40Z

I think I’ve been the closest to being struck by lightning without actually having been so.

Sunday morning, three in the morning. Guard duty, with overcast skies (as much as can be seen at that time) and a generally gloomy air about the camp. Lightning streaking across the skies as thunder growled ominously in the distance, foreshadowing bleaker weather than the mildly pattering rain.

A few bolts seem to appear closer, illuminating the nearly HDB flats in series of staccato strobe flashes. Growls escalate to roars as the machinations of nature draw nearer. Slowly the showers turned into sheets, buffetted by increasingly fretful gusts of wind.

Then the skies cracked apart and the heavens roared; night turned to day as the expanses above turned white with electric brilliance. The angry barrage of sonic wrath hammered on me, and all around I felt the boiling fury of Nature herself.

This is what happens when you start dozing off during sentry duty.

Examination

2008-12-12T03:02:11Z

Hello.

Not sure why I’m blogging right now; I’m alone in the office and there’s naught to do. No work yet for today, and my fingers felt the itch to let fly. Yet I sit typing this without knowing exactly what needs to be transcribed.

Already, it is November. The end of the year is round the corner, with the Lunar New Year in sight with release from service and reintroduction to civilian life swiftly following. All events to look forward to, surely, but reading my friends’ blogs leads me to wonder how I’d perform such a transition. A similarity between civilian lives now is the presence of stress, stress that I’ve not felt since my JC-years, Army stress nonwithstanding due to it being caused by commitments involuntarily made. It would seem that November is the month of examinations, the last bursts of effort and energy before settling down for the year-end. ‘A’ Levels, semester tests, project deadlines, CCA politics - all of which seem vaguely familiar yet strangely distant. My mind seems to have decayed, more an automaton than a sentient being nowadays, not the least between book-in and book-out timings. It’s as if I’ve unconsciously become selective with regards to mental activity and emotional participation. The engine starts when somehow, somewhere in my mind, I decide that effort and energy are worth expending.

With that, here I am, carrying out an examination of a different sort.

I’ve changed, I think, from my old self back in March 2007. Transformed in ways that I can’t quite pinpoint. Broadly speaking, I think I’ve become more detached, cynical and reclusive. I may be loud in social settings, but other than a handful of close (and closer!) relations I don’t think anyone knows what makes me tick. I don’t know what people perceive of me; in quieter times I wonder how many look past the extrinsic, digging deeper to find my core. I realise this contradicts my belief that one shouldn’t be bothered about others’ perceptions of oneself. This is less of saving/preserving face and more of self-actualisation though, of discovering the differences between others’ perceptions and my personal understanding of my basic self. Once condensed, I daresay my life since completing my A’s and becoming a conscript has been nothing more than a long journey inward, towards discovering myself.

What does it mean then to find myself with nothing more than a hypothesis (or, perhaps, a theory?) for my self? If one were to ask for the one thing that I’ve felt lacking in my adolescence, it would be a sense of self. I possess confidence, I am sure of that, but confidence in what? I respect others, and others (arguably) respect me, but what is it that they feel is worth recognising?

Some people spend their whole lives questioning their existence. Am I merely a drop in this ocean of lost souls, all desperate to find some sort of meaning in their lives? Or am I one of few who can’t seem to anchor themselves in today’s society? Perhaps I am, again, simply thinking too much for my own good.

Don’t get me wrong; life as it is now is pretty blessed. I love and am loved, I have goals and (albeit vague) ambitions, and I’m more grounded now than I’ve been for the past two years, all of which I’m thankful and grateful for. Frankly, there isn’t much that I can be dissatisfied with. Maybe that’s how I ended up looking inward, debating a motion that, even with input from others, can ultimately be resolved only by me and me alone.

Thus ends an hour of circumspect and deliberate writing, effort and energy well-spent in any book I’d say. Maybe it’s timely to start a new Johari (or a Nohari) (or both!) Window; it might well help reconcile some of these inner concerns.

Neon Signage

2008-12-12T03:01:35Z

It’s curious. Ever since 2005, almost everyone I’ve come to know has assumed that I’m Christian. Curious, because I’ve been undecided on religion for the longest time. How this translates to giving off Christian vibes, I have no idea.

It happened again this morning. Until I clarified (rather bluntly, I’m afraid), a new postee to my unit pretty much operated under the assumption that I was Christian. Save for my cursing, he’d apparently looked at me and drawn upon first impressions the conclusion that I was a fellow follower of Christ. Intriguing.

So what is it about me that evidently splashes a neon fixture on my forehead saying ‘CHRISTIAN’? Not that I’ve anything against the idea, I’m just, well, curious.

my grammar spoil

2008-10-18T15:51:44Z

where are my MACDONALDS?

*jaw drops*

my grammar spoil.
it must be the camp food.

Clutter

2008-10-14T08:15:39Z

This livejournal is become a tad cluttered.

Not only does it contain unsorted entries from 2005, it's also got a readership which I'm not fully aware of. In the past months I've found myself wanting to blog more for myself than I've been doing so far. Having some control over who I share my life with is quite an attractive option. It's easy to say that 'it's my blog, and I can say whatever I want to say on it', I like to be a bit more mindful about the effects of my words and how their interpreted.

Maybe it's time to jump ship.

Foresight

2008-10-02T02:45:59Z

So I was talking to Dear the other day about life in general, of people's motivations for the efforts, about how choices that have far-reaching (read: decades) effects are made. We considered how we arrived at where we as individuals are today, not only academically, but as individuals. From that, we questioned what we might decide to do in the future, given our experiences at this point in our lives.

This got me thinking though: what exactly do I want? What do I want to achieve with my limited time, what mark(s) do I want to leave on my loved ones? Upon discovering that, what will I do/have to do to get there?

Looking back, I've realised that my decison-making processes in the past haven't been well thought out. I decided to drop 'A' Maths in Sec 4 due to my perpetual downward trend in grades; I gave no thought to what consequences that would have in the future (ie. right now). I went along with a Literature-History-Economics subject combination because 'I couldn't do 'A' Maths, so I don't think I can do 'C' Maths'. And while these are both academic examples, I still think they're cases in point. I made decisions with my gut, with nothing more than a short-to-medium term outlook. More than anything else, these two decisions have put me where I am today.

With ORD fast approaching (or so I keep telling myself), I'm approaching a critical juncture. University life beckons, and while I possess a space at NUS-FASS I've yet to come to terms with whether it is truly where I want to study the course which pretty much decides the rest of my life. Of course, that brings to focus the question of what I want to do with my life. Broadly speaking, I know that:
1) I want to work with people.
2) I want to enjoy my work.
3) I want to settle down and start a family.

While I can't speak for everyone regarding the first and third ideals, I do think that most people would like to hold meaningful jobs, careers which carry more worth than just bringing in the dough. One wonders though, how is it that a 20-year old can decide what he/she wants for the rest of his/her life? I've been lucky so far, my decisions, however shortsighted, have allowed me to pursue studies in subjects I've found personal interest and enjoyment in. Yet, I find myself unsure if I am willing to take them further, to transform them into careers that will carry me through to the end of my days.

It's a tough decision, especially when one considers that which hangs in the balance. It's a harsh reality of modern life that we all need money for everything, and of all the things one might want, settling down and starting a family as to be right there in terms of financial demands. Before I can even think of settling down, I need to achieve more than just financial independence. I need to reach financial stability, with room for future growth.

With my current course of study, I find myself unsure of how I am to achieve that. You have to admit that the perception of Arts and social sciences in Singapore is lacking. Regardless of what the government tries to do with the Esplanade, the Biennale, we still find that our choice of an education is still considered 'beneath' that of traditional vocations of law, engineering and medicine (the holy trinity of local studies, if you will). It makes me wonder sometimes whether society penalises us for choosing to study what makes people people, instead of what makes things tick. No slight against anyone, of course.

Fact is, we live in a pragmatic and meritorious society. Achievements are recognised when they are tangible. Years of effort are considered wasted when results are not reached. The final product is all that matters; the process, the long, tough and bumpy road getting there all but forgotten. In a course of study (and, arguably, a future) that deals with intangibles, where can I go?

--=--

Okay, blogging on my phone prevents me from organising this properly. Can't be helped when I can only see nine lines on the screen at any point in time. I've exhausted my supply of words for now, so consider this entry incomplete and unpolished. Maybe I'll come back and finish it up, maybe not.

All I know right now is that this is perhaps two years worth of niggling thoughts at the back of brain being transcribed. Hm.

Lethargy

2008-09-23T04:17:25Z

Lately, I've been experiencing major bouts of lethargy in camp. Bouts that go beyond what would normally be considered tiredness or sleepiness. What's curious is that this occurs most after nights where I get relatively more sleep than usual. I arrive at work and slowly sink into a state of stasis that might be described as hibernation.

Interestingly, this all disappears when the end of the day comes round, when I change to civilian clothing and go out/home.

Is this what ORD-blues feel like? I've still got six months to go though.

20

2008-09-15T12:49:36Z

So. I'm two decades old now.

First off, many, many, many thanks to those who made this year's birthday a special one. Most of all to Dear, who planned Saturday's lunch with all the friends. Who wanted to surprise me twice throughout the day, despite unexpected happenings both times. Who spent her Saturday evening strolling with me. Who led me to try new things on Sunday, and triggered an impromptu running off the train with bewildered me in tow.

You made this year's birthday the most special I've had yet, no hyperbole at all. Saying 'thank you' just doesn't cut it, but here's one to you anyway.

Thank you dear!

Of course, there's the many thanks to everyone else who turned up on Saturday (yes, even Beng Hee, who overslept but ohwell). Cheers to everyone who sent me birthday wishes too, be it through sms or Facebook. It's nice to be reminded that one has friends who care, and you guys definitely did just that.

--=--

So. I'm two decades old now.

Assuming I live to eighty, I'm a quarter way through. Frankly, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. A quarter is no small portion; what do I have to show for it? This isn't quite a quarter-life crisis (though I'd have to admit that it does sound like it), nor is it an existential dilemma.

As I look back at the past twenty years, I consider the coming twenty as well. Where will I be then? How would the past twenty years influence this next stage of life? It's quite something to contemplate.

What have I learnt in my twenty years? I've learnt of friendship, and I've learnt of how they can be shattered in an instant. I've learnt of loyalty, and I've learnt of how it can mean nothing in the face of self-interest. I've learnt of moral fibre, of character, and I've learnt that there are those to whom they don't apply. I'be learnt what it is to hurt others, and I've learnt how it feels to be hurt. I've learnt to stand my ground, and I've learnt when to step aside. I've learnt not to subordinate my beliefs to those of others, and I've learnt empathy as well. I've learnt leadership, and I've learnt to be a follower when necessary. I've learnt to take charge of situations, and I've learnt how to do so without offending the people I'm trying to lead. I've learnt that life isn't just a box of chocolates, it's the assortment of chocolate that counts.

Most importantly, I've learnt to love, and I've learnt what it means to be loved.

It's not to say that there have been no regrets, no occasions where I wished that I'd made different choices. The way I see it, there's no such thing as a life without regrets, only a life where one is able to come to terms with the choices not made. With two decades behind me I feel that I've achieved that so far, and I count myself fortunate that I can say that.

With effort (and some luck), I hope this can be maintained.

A Condensation of Emotions

2008-09-10T08:58:31Z

It is ironic that, as a student of Literature, I've often found words to be inadequate.

I've wanted to update for long now, but somehow the sentences, the phrases, the little similes and analogies that come to mind never seem to do memories justice. I want to be succint yet fleshed-out, efficient without coming up short. Crafting an entry is a slow process, for I often think of the different ways my words may be interpreted, and the kind of ramifications they might lead to. This used to come to me fairly smoothly; I suspect my writing has deteriorated with disuse.

Perhaps I shouldn't think so much, and let the stream of consciousness speak for itself instead.

Weekends have been beautiful. Precious hours, minutes, seconds spent melting into each other, embracing, bridging the distances between souls, feeling and sharing, each relishing the other's warmth, kindling the glow that comes as we lie as one. Vulnerable yet safe, exposed yet protected, seeing and understanding from without and within, letting feelings not only explode as fireworks, but also undulate as waves lapping at the shore.

Work, however, has been less enjoyable. I post this as I'm off-duty, waiting for yet another shift of standing sentry to arrive. The eyes that scan the horizon for potential threats, I instead spend my time raising barriers and saluting transiting vehicles. This is hardly a complaint though; my history's been charmed enough as it is, and having this responsibility placed (as it should have been) on me now isn't something I'm sore about. My only gripe is that scheduling now has to be done roughly on a month basis, and that a day a week, give or take, will now cease to be my own.

I'm also drawing up a fitness plan, effective Monday onward. Past efforts to do so have been in vain, though I hope this time that having a solid schedule in black and white will allow me to properly discipline myself.

--=--

Congrats Zhanglilin, that last paper is behind you!
Now you can enjoy the weekend.
Truly, a well-deserved break.
Temporary as it may be, it's still a break;
One which I intend to spend with you.
One which I intend to make you smile.

(Ignore the funky grammar in the last line, LOL)

Digital Wipe

2008-08-26T14:05:41Z

It's been a long time since the last update. Something's happened though, something drastic enough to jolt me out of my livejournal stupor and pen something.

I was reformatting my computer the other day, wanting to start afresh after spending a week or so playing around with Ubuntu dual-booting. It didn't quite work out, mainly due to some hardware conflicts with the linux kernel. The decision was then to clear out the second OS, delete partitions and reinstall Windows.

Sad to say, I forgot to copy my files to my D:/ drive before deleting the partitions. Being used to Ubuntu's partition manager after repeated reinstallations, I assumed that the Windows' equivalent wouldn't apply partition changes until I'd confirmed progress to the next step of the installation. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

The result? Documents, arrangements, photos, anything that would normally come under 'My Documents', all lost. Excluding what I'd uploaded to Facebook, my digital life since 2005 has all but been deleted. It bites, but damn, there isn't anything that can be done about it now. Sad.

Proclamations of a Milder Sort..

2008-08-11T05:58:10Z

This blog has become too public for its own good. I've not been posting despite wanting to shout it out to the world because while others' opinions shouldn't matter, their queries would constitute unnecessary distractions from more important tasks at hand. I've always felt that happiness should be shared, that it need not be concealed and hidden, but now's not the time for such proclamations. That said..

I've not been this..content in a very, very long time. It feels like all the pieces have fallen into place, that even if the world were to be turned upside down tomorrow I'd still be blissful at my core. The missing piece - the keystone, as it were - has appeared, and I'm not planning to let go. It's like all the negativity built up over the past year and half has bled out over the past month. I feel..complete, whole, cliched as it sounds. And it makes me melt, knowing that it's mutual.

Thank you, not only for letting me in but for coming in as well.

What am I?

2008-07-31T08:00:15Z

Round
Brown
Ground
Scalded
Pressed
Dripped
Filtered
Black from abuse
Effusingly
Aromatic
Diluted
Flavoured with
Milk
Brown again
Sweetened
Wake up.
ZZZ

Insights

2008-07-28T06:08:37Z

I've come to realise that the bane of my life is routine. Curious, because on the other hand I like to keep to a rough schedule as I go about my day. Scheduling - good, routine - bad? Hm. Isn't routine long-term scheduling?

Perhaps 'the bane of my life' is too extreme a term for it. After all, it's not that it makes me hateful and frustrated every day. Instead, it's more of a slow grinding against my soul. While I do take pride in doing my job well, in an as efficient a manner as possible, the same waking up at ungodly hours, the same trip to work, the same morning runs three times a week are grating. I've gotten used to it (anyone who's gone through Singapore's education system would be able to do this), but the feeling's still there, at some dark recess at the back of my mind, occasionally sauntering out to reiterate it's existance.

Maybe that's why I'm always looking for things to do in my time off, be it weekday evenings or weekends. Maybe that's why I fought to go to Riva del Garda. Maybe that's why I dared to pick up the reins of the Chorale. Maybe that's why I jumped at the prospect of A Cappella caroling.

Release from this routine to come in 8 months; damn, I can't wait. It's been made much, much better in the past month though. Life's been much, much better. You being there has made all the difference.

I'll be there for you too. Jiayou! =)

cheej @ 2008-07-22T14:47:00

2008-07-22T06:47:11Z

I've been wanting to update for a while now, but I knew neither what nor how to do so. Life has been quite, quite excellent - some of you know why, and some of you don't - but the more (or less, depending on how you see it) astute would point out that little has actually been revealed about said excellence. For privacy's and consideration's sake (although it seems this didn't quite work out) I'd been keeping quite mum about it.

Those who know, know.

Those who don't know, will know in due time.

I've come to realise a few things though, in no small way due to the reactions of others around.

First off, you can't control how people think. You might try, but that alone could skew opinion away from you. I need to follow my own advice, to 'let time do the healing'. It's terribly easy to forget that so much is out of our very human hands, that at the end of the day even the most well-meaning of intentions can be misconstrued. It's even easier for one so accustomed to leading to encounter this pitfall. As one who'd been at the fore for a long while now, I'd forgotten about this simple fact of relations.

Secondly, I think I've become overly reliant on my ability to read others. Sure, it's a fine and admittedly wonderful skill to have. But recently I experienced my first 'mis-reading', so to speak, in what seems to be forever. Not surprisingly (on hindsight, that is), I was lost. Suddenly I realised that I didn't know what to do in the event of my intuitive senses failing me. Thinking and talking about it helped reconcile my conflicting thoughts though. It's still my primary means of reaching out to and understanding others; I know now though that it can't be the only means.

Third, I've understood that truth, especially personal truths, when perceived by others shouldn't matter to the person being doubted. Acceptance will come from relations which are genuine. Questions will arise from others - yet, questions are the first step towards understanding and, in time, acceptance as well. I've learnt a lot about my social circle in recent times, and now possess a much clearer understanding of where I stand with regards to relations with various people.

Despite all that, I really must say that I'm extremely happy. The happiest I've been in ages, even if the overall tone for this entry has been quite contradictorily somber. I'm not without my thoughts, and I still find that the best way for me to reconcile my feelings is in writing. Unfortunately for those who don't quite believe that I'm elated, the tone of my prose has never been quite..gay in the first place.

--

Jason Mraz had the right idea..

I hear you whisper across the sea
I keep you with my in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard..

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss..

cheej @ 2008-07-09T22:22:00

2008-07-09T14:23:04Z

Wondering if going through every single past entry in this journal and tagging them appropriately is a good idea/worthwhile venture.

Hm.

cheej @ 2008-07-09T13:20:00

2008-07-09T03:16:40Z

You know you're deprived when freshly-cooked potato wedges at the cookhouse make it the best in-camp lunch you've had in weeks.

---

Privacy is underrated. Why are personal actions accountable (by perception or otherwise) to those unaffected by them? Why is it that the past has such a strong bearing on the perceived validity of what happens now? As the cliche goes, to err is human, be it an error in work produced, an error in understanding, an error in judgement. It would seem that not forgetting is human too; rumours resurface, warped half-truths whispered without the subjects' knowledge. How many truly bother to pursue the truth? For every one there are countless more content with mere speculation and parlor talk, refusing to take that step toward a pure understanding of what is truly going on. The potential for hurt that such ignorance has cannot be ignored, but what can one do?

It's tempting to ignore it all, to focus on what's ultimately closest to heart. Yet, that's far from a solution to this apparently inescapable problem. Perhaps it's as another friend has said, it's only an issue if we choose to see it as such. Focus on that which is truly important, and the rest of the world will eventually see things as they truly are.

---
Life is smiles
all is well.
We gain and we lose
what's lost may yet come round.
Hand in hand
step by step
we move forward.
Stealing glances, sharing moments
glowing embers of joy.