cheej

Hello to all my readers, however many (or few!) of you there might be.

As of today, I will cease posting on this Livejournal account. If you're still interested in following my admittedly infrequent musings, please point your browser to http://cheej.wordpress.com and update your links/bookmarks.

This Livejournal account will continue to be maintained for purposes of commenting on friends' journals and viewing of my Friends page.

Cheers!

I quite like this new routine of mine. Of waking up, taking a shower and taking a bus down to the kopitiam at Clementi for breakfast before hopping on the train to Gombak for my driving lesson.

It's really quite relaxing.

I lie enveloped in dark, cocooned in warmth, shrouded in softness. Sleep eludes me, that delicious unconsciousness that we all gratefully slip into at the end of the day. Rest slips from between my fingers even as prescriptions run through my veins, pushing cell after cell slowly toward slumber. Through some unknown force, the mind resists. With surprising resilience, it refuses the night. Refuses to let itself be wrapped like its physical shell.

I stare into the twilight and wonder what two years have done to me. The twilight stares back, challenging, asking of what I have achieved.

I quite possibly have not been this ticked off in six months.

Is it too much to ask for earlier notifications of upcoming events? No, it is not enough to state that certain activities will be held on certain days. Subordinates are people too, or was that extremely important point not taught? Let us be realistic: no one is truly on call anytime, anywhere. None of us mind having to come back, barring some sort of early notice so that our affairs can be set in order. True, such time would be a luxury ill-afforded should the button be pressed. True, vigilance is a mainstay of the organisation that we belong to. But for crying out loud, use those words with some care for hypocrisy. As far as our organisation is concerned, we're hardly living in troubled times.

Is it too much to ask that plans be made a few days in advance? With details? I doubt that superiors are in a position where they're not in the know. You are planning, so for fuck's sake, plan and act accordingly to the demands of whatsoever event you're tasked with. Having your subordinates told that they have to stay-in at 5pm on the day itself is not an example of planning, not in any book. Subordinates are not automatons; sadly, most do not have the sense to understand something so simple. We do not like waiting for information to be dropped on our heads in such a manner. Neither should we constantly have to badger you for updates on the matter. If any measure of competance existed, it would be understood that the onus lies in the one higher-up to take the necessary actions to keep everything running smoothly.

This is what happens when leaders are chosen for qualities other than leadership and competance. This is what happens when superiors rise by virtue of systems other than meritocracy, as imperfect as such a system might be.

Thank god I'll be leaving soon.

A temporary lull appears amidst the typical daily routine, and I feel the urge to update. Of what or when, I do not know; perhaps the words will slither from the recesses of my mind, crawling out of the primordial ooze that is my Army-addled brain.

Started a project recently, a long kicked-around idea finally put into motion. Visit sing4harmony.blogspot.com for a taste of what's to come. I know some of you who read this space are in the community, so do contribute where possible.

Somewhat related would be singing for NJC CCA-Carnival on the 4th of February. Consider it my baby-steps back into a cappella after missing two-years of such singing. Quite excited about this, especially since I'll be singing with friends with whom I've not sung with since graduation all too long ago.

There're a few other things that I'm considering, given limited time and resources. First up is the writing blog mentioned a couple of entries ago. That's one project that'll most likely come into fruition, if for nothing else other than the need to get the gears in my head slowly oiled again. Tied to this is the need to finish reading my backlog of books - I still make purchases at a greater rate than reading, what with little time amidst all my other commitments. There's still a growing list of books I'd like to buy and read. Seems like I'll only have time for this after ORD; with some luck, I'll be able to find a job with freedoms like my previous one in 2007.

More frivolous would be wanting to create a new WoW character on a RP server. It seems like a more immersive, more creative experience of gameplay when compared to standard WoW. My current character is the closest I've ever come to hitting the level cap and delving into the end-game though, so this might become nothing more than a bit of tomfoolery on my part.

Time passes. Just like that, farewells are bid to 2008 and the new year is ushered in. The year ahead is an exciting one, especially with the upcoming transitory period between March and August. Tempting as it is to forget the past and speed ahead, one musn't forget the paths taken and the choices made prior, for we are shaped by events before in preparation for what lies ahead.

2008 has been truly remarkable - not many NSFs are able to pursue their interests outside their NS obligations. Yet, I've been fortunate enough to count myself amongst their number. I'm especially thankful for the most wonderful superior an NSF can hope to have, a job that has allowed me to pick up skills actually applicable in civilian life, and I've been lucky enough to travel to Taiwan with my unit; roving through a foreign land from a military perspective was an experience to remember. In other words, my NS circumstance in general has allowed me to preserve some measure of personal freedom, something I'm extremely thankful for.

It's thanks to this freedom that I was able to join NJChoir in Riva del Garda, Italy, in March this year, where I collected many happy memories (as with all NJChoir activities, with a tinge of nostalgia). New friends were made and old friendships, rekindled. Relationships tempered with the common aim of achieving a Gold in the competition, though with the passage of time who knows how things might have changed. Life is never picturesque, and the most striking illustration of this is probably the ever transient nature of our bonds with others.

I learnt much in this regard - one can never be sure how others view oneself. People see what they want to see; some are easily satisfied, never questioning further, others vie to vilify based on impressions not necessarily grounded in reality, while others seek only to explore and wander, more interested in how their queries are tackled than the queries themselves. I don't claim any moral high ground, acknowledging that I'm equally susceptible as the next man of such delusions. For a period, I was quite adversely affected, endlessly questioning myself as I struggled to reconcile others' hurtful impressions of me with my own conscience. Trying to understand how entire notions of myself were created without any input from me was arguably the most emotionally taxing effort of the entire year. My faith in people was shaken and grounded again, and I'd like to think I've grown stronger for that.

2008 was a year for introspection as well; with all the efforts mentioned before, plenty of time was spent looking within, comparing and contrasting my perceived self, expressed self and inner self. I considered their ever differing thoughts on matters, and wondered how others' opinions of me modified ever so slightly depending on which identity they interacted with. I was (and still am) curious to know how others viewed me as a person, wanting to explore the areas where people agreed and the qualities they were more divided on.

More important than anything else, I've been blessed this past year with love. From seeing (or so I thought) it in places unheeded to discovering it quietly kindling, and having it finally culminating six months ago - to the day - with a pact to take that step together and seeing where it led us. Despite the roller-coaster it's been, both for dear and I, I end 2008 happy and content, with love and hope for the future.

I don't stand alone with her though. Never have I believed in forsaking friends for love, and those who've bothered to know me deeper over the years can all attest to that. Here's to life, love and the year ahead!

It's curious how the majority of my posts in the past few months were written during off-shift times during guard duty. The old adage that writers (or any creative artists for that matter) require some impetus, some pressing emotion (or lack of, depending on the circumstance) in order to create their works seems to apply even to NSFs with nothing to do during duties.

One might notice that I hardly ever post when I'm not unhappy/moody/bored/random-negative-emotion. The odd, relatively positive post is usually short, concise and otherwise lacking in details. I usually end up expounding during my darker moods and posts, through issues that typically require more introspection and consideration. It appears that my 'better' writing emerges only when I'm emo and moody, rather than when I'm in better spirits. Makes me wonder if others go through this process too. Makes me wonder if Shakespeare was really a bloody tortured soul. Makes me applaud those who can decide to sit down and write something and actually produce a piece of work with emotional depth.

I've been considering setting up a writing blog, one where I go to for expositions (and sometimes narratives) on whatever strikes my fancy. Who knows, it might actually help me get my brain working again; the gears in this machine have become slightly rusty over the past two years.

Yet another post without any real updates. At any rate, what do you guys think?

Okay, Livejournal has been reinstated, even if only for the fact that I can post mobile updates here. Posts on the clandestine webspace have been copied and pasted, and there's almost no sign that I've been gone at all.

My space is my own, and I write what I will. Too often have I been worried about the opinions of others, too much I've cared about my image. Knowing me is more than just a one-sided interpretation of my words.

So, I'm back.

So much for trying to update more often, it’s been over half a month since the last post.

I have the urge to write, but as usual there’s that niggling lack of coherence in my thought processes. I’ll have this as a filler post for now, just so I can tell myself that I’ve finally updated after what amounts to be a hiatus of sorts.

Perhaps a real post will follow when my muse comes a-knocking.

I think I’ve been the closest to being struck by lightning without actually having been so.

Sunday morning, three in the morning. Guard duty, with overcast skies (as much as can be seen at that time) and a generally gloomy air about the camp. Lightning streaking across the skies as thunder growled ominously in the distance, foreshadowing bleaker weather than the mildly pattering rain.

A few bolts seem to appear closer, illuminating the nearly HDB flats in series of staccato strobe flashes. Growls escalate to roars as the machinations of nature draw nearer. Slowly the showers turned into sheets, buffetted by increasingly fretful gusts of wind.

Then the skies cracked apart and the heavens roared; night turned to day as the expanses above turned white with electric brilliance. The angry barrage of sonic wrath hammered on me, and all around I felt the boiling fury of Nature herself.

This is what happens when you start dozing off during sentry duty.